Wow, 6 years ago, how time flies..
I still remember the scene at the kitchen when Faruq attempted the bread pudding though.. He turns into this Master Chef because he was trying to impress his girlfriend. And I also remembers why I went back home early too..
That day I drove my own car but due to this event, I decided to head home early, and also without notifying Mama.. Well, it was stupid coz I got into a fight with A at that time, just because I saw Faruq was doing all these sweet stuff that I start to question myself why can't A do the same for me. Perhaps because I am being too easy for him. Thinking too much and I frustrates my own self, and so I left.
But that is not the point.. the point of this post is about Mama, whom I missed dearly. Every year, despite my busy-ness, there always be that one time that she would just run across my mind. Just like today.
Mama was very nice to me, from day one itself. She never hesitate to share with me even her darkest life story or secret.. She'd show me photos of her husband, she'd sit with me at the dining table and chat with me, she even gave me flowers coz she own a florist (which me at that time would hoped that A given me one), but then as it turns out, retrospectively, it has never been about me and A, in fact it has been about me and Mama.
If I were to spun my life story again, I would now be looking at the perspectives of between me and Mama. You know, how sometimes you were so focused on something (in my case, someone) for so long, that you missed out this other wonderful that actually going on at the same time.
Yes, I took her existence for granted, and I regret our memory the most after everything turned into dust.
I never noticed how she was so closed to me, and when she said she took me as one of her own children, I never realized how much it meant for her to utter those words. To take someone else as your own, like me taking Shun and Muiz as my own brother for example now, I feel and I say that only because I love them like they are my own blood. And then only it hits me how much she actually had loved me, as her own.
damn these Ninja cutting onions :'(
Tears in my eyes. But I am almost close to 99.999% certain that our path won't cross again. Sometimes I do feel like wanting to spontaneously just drop by her florist shop for a pleasant surprise, to meet her, because I miss her, but I fear that my intention be taken wrongly, that I missed A, coz hell I do not at all and I wish he just rot in hell but because he is related to Mama so I will just let him live his own pathetic life in peace.
Well, there were times that Mama would occasionally surprised me with a nice quotes at Whatsapp after I have gone from her life, and I would be asking how she's doing.. One time she told me that the barber lady she went to at a hair saloon looks so much like me that she just had to tell me. From there, I know she misses me.
There's a time that she arranged a dinner with me but would cancel the meeting at the very last minute. I guess she have this feeling that she feared to be understood wrongly too.
But I never blame her for anything that she ever done badly at me. I know she was struggling as much as I did. Trying to let go a bad relationship wasn't easy. Especially when the bad relationship involved A whom was the vital connection to the whole fabric of my friendship with his family.
It was pretty unfair at first because I had to abandoned so many people that I loved at once, but I guess when God just say these 2 lines of life won't run across again, but let the lines runs parallel next to each other, then there goes the 2 lives always remembering each other deep in their heart in silence.
That person whom always would take the spot behind or beside me.
A year later after this happy occasion, everything just fall apart and memories are what left of these wonderful people whom once I called my own family.
Things always have this scary possibility of turning worse and out of control. So cherish what you have, and never ever focus on the negative thing for too long, or you would lose sight of the precious people who stood there with you.
Last but not least, Mama, I love you very much and you will always have a place in my heart wherever I go. You are the mother that I never had.
Kd.
May 2018
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