Little Lion

When I was a small teenage girl,
I have this unique responsibility in the family,
My mom always bring home pets,
And the person to abandon them afterwards, was always me.

My mom, she love kittens,
she often bring home a bunch of kitten from the fish market,
and she would nurse them with small milk bottles,
while me, i would play with them,
sometimes I need to nurse them too..
They are usually a bunch of good kids.

One time,
She brought back 2 kittens,
I remember one of them has this broad nose,
I remember that I called him Little Lion.

They live with us for few weeks,
And I started to bond with them,
I love them very much.
They were very cute.

Then one day my mom said she is sick taking care of the kittens,
She said
"They can take care of themselves now,
take them out of this house tomorrow,
I am tired with your dad keep nagging at me about the cats"
Why didn't she learn this from the past? I shrugged. Obliged.

I know this is no easy task, but I swallow my heart throbbing pain.
"No tears. They are gonna be okay."

I can't remember why there's only one kitten at home,
So i took him with me, the Little Lion sat at the passenger seat.
I look at him while I drove, he look at me.
"I think I'm not gonna put you so far away, perhaps just here."
I went to the grocery store near my house.
Somehow I know in my heart that I might come back.

We were at the back alley of the grocery store..
I left the engine running, I didn't even pull the hand brake.
"Okay here goes buddy.. you take care okay? I love you very much"
"And I am so sorry.."

I took some time to step out of the car with him,
And then I quickly just want to finish this pain off,
I took him out, he fits my two palms.. He was so small..
I put him down by the drain, and he was distracted by the pebbles..

He was playing with the pebbles, and I went into the car.
I drove off,
I look at the mirror and I saw him saw me..

And how he ran after me..
He ran with his little tiny legs..
And he stopped running and just look at me, apalled..

I drove home,
and i was at home,
the whole day I was quiet and in pain..
No one at home to notice.

"The cats are not here anymore? That's good"
My mom said.
She is so oblivious.
I know she wont have the heart to leave the cats.
No one does.

But this is my unique responsibility in my family.

I do all the painful stuff for them,
Because they think I am strong to the point that I am heartless.

The next morning,
I drove to the grocery store,
Guilt across my face.

"Yes girl, what are you looking for to buy?"
The Auntie asks.
"Oh umm Aunty have you by any chance seen a kitten?"
"He looks like a lion"

I know the aunty knows that I left the kitten there,
I noticed that there are like so many cats at her grocery store,
She must've feel sick towards people like me.
"I am so sorry to trouble you.."

"Oh it's okay dear, yes I think there's one here, but he has a fever"
My heart sank. What have I done.
The Aunty flipped the paper that covers the cabbages,
And among the cabbages, is him.

Little Lion open his small eyes,
and he saw me..

I took him back home.
Worried, of what my mom gonna say. I know what's coming.

"Why the hell this cat is still here?!"
She shouted so loud even the neighbour heard her.

I rolled my eyes. I don't know what to say.
This is not my house, my rules don't apply here.

"Take him away this instant!"

later I found myself in the car with Little Lion again..
Both of us looking sad.

I hope Little Lion understands my predicament.

I never meant to be so cruel,
it's just that my rules don't apply here.

I am a nobody, but given this horrible difficult task,
Every single time,
Because I am strong,

But I hope he knows I am not heartless.


Kd, 26/11/2017, Sunday

Pros & Cons

"Khadijah let me tell you your Pros and Cons"

Your Pros are:

You are matured.

You have good language capabilities.

Your Cons are:

You are not sophisticated,

"Why are you laughing?"

You did not put your mind into your work,

because your mind is everywhere.

"Crying already?"

Enough thinking about other people,

Its time to think about yourself.

Memories

I had a vivid dream once
That I am a snake

A slender and timid one
And then there's a curious cat

He bit me hard by the neck
I squirmed in pain

"Let me go!"
I whipped him with my tail

He did not let me go
I blinked my eyes

"Death where are you?"
Please end this misery

I woke up in sweats
My heart was racing

I hold my neck for a good few minutes
"That was one hell of a way to die"

Yet an innocent one.

Normal

Why did I do the things that I do
The opposite of what I wanted
Because of fear of causing hurt to others
I said
"Let me be hurt instead"

And so I walked the thorny path
I bled but I keep walking on
As long as the people I care
Happy
Happy and safe from harm
That I might caused onto them

I feel like a monster sometimes
A typhoon
Unwelcome trouble
A knife waiting to cut you

I wonder if there are other monsters like me
Unfit and lost in adjustments
Floating above the ocean of settled life
Looking for a home
A friend in someone
A match of mind

Waiting for someone to see the monster I am
I wonder if they forgotten the hurt I gave them
I wonder why they loved me for that torment

I am a vessel filled with sadness and regret
Seeing love in life through cracks of sunlight
They shine through despite the wall I built
I still feel blessed in all it's entirety

I am eager to leave this world
This world that I am still unable to fit in
Seeing everything from outside in
Dreaming and lost in my ultimate consciousness

I hate myself for unable to love myself
I hate that I couldn't just live to be me
I hate to still wonder what I am truly capable of
I hate to feel unfit with anyone and anything

Life is short I am glad about that
This dimension lacks the warmth of love and understanding
My ego crushes whenever they rejected me
My life went in circles why can't I just be