I remember attending the broadcasting interview at UiTM Permatang Pauh with a group of youngsters, and there were a good 5 of us that were selected from that pool.
Once I am gathered with my fellow mass-communication peers for my first day of degree, something dawned on me. One prominent trait that all of us have were that we all looked rather non-mainstream due to our heritage or our fashion sense. I believe our education or our experience doesn't really carry much weight.
Having that in my mind, I realized that the environment was not suitable for someone who adores knowledge and integrity. In a way that most of them carry out their preliminary socializing based heavily on how everyone agrees on their first judgement.
Me being me, plus entering the class late on my first day, thus attracting unwanted attention, I am not so like-able. Majority of the class already showed the reaction of disliking me and they already herding together in their small groups.
In just the first week, what more the first month, I am already feeling so reclusive and I couldn't perform at my optimum level. My English quality has plummeted down, I can't show any traits of being a nerd or hardworking in class without being called at.
I remember one moment when we were all playing make-up in an empty class. One of our classmate, was applying this eyeliner to one of the girls. and then BAM she looked amazing. And then other girls tried on too. And then I asked if I could join in as well. The dude who been doing this eyeliner service, he is like transgender dude showed this dislike reaction towards my request, but nonetheless went on with it.
Once I am done, smiling to my friends, who showed no reaction whatsoever, we all left to the cafeteria, where I saw my face in the mirror and I just couldn't describe how terrible the eyeliners was on my eyes, it was blotchy and ugly at it's finest.
I am fairly very disappointed, I washed my face up and went on with my life. I hate dramas and as far as I can remember, there's drama almost everyday at Mass-Communication faculty.
A rather serious-looking KD spotted minding her own business
I went back to Penang quite frequently, and that was one of the reasons why I am mostly tired and agitated in the university, not to mention I am low on money, and I ate maggi and instant beehoon almost everyday to survive. I had to take this long uphill walk and climb this steep stairs to my faculty, and on my way back, I had to climb up 4 storeys flight of stairs coz my room situated at 4th floors in the college (the dorm is known as colleges in UiTM).
And then it was almost the end of the semester and final exam is near. There's alot of quizzes and I am sick when my classmates would sit around me in tests and quizzes just so that they could copy my answers. Mind you, the questions were not that difficult, it is mass-communication and plus it was first year. At that time, I kept looking in the future and feel so restless if I am to be surrounded by these kind of community around me.
I went back to my hometown one last time and I remember having this long critical thought about my future while I was shopping in Tesco. I was wondering what do I get if ever I end up being so successful in Media. What if I achieved this optimum level from this stream I'm in.
I guess there's popularity to it, a lot of deadlines, a lot of travelling and meeting people. But what may lack would be respect.
Would I be respected if I am this popular individual, more particularly, would I be respected by my future children and husband, my in-laws. (Yes I am already thinking of that situation at that time in Tesco.) Would my parents be proud of me? Of course they would be, they would be proud of me with whatever I end up doing. But what about the higher circle of community that I want to climb in, can I penetrate their circle?
I guess with my low self confidence, media really just not the place for me.
I end up not attending my final year exam for my first semester as I already enrolled in Law.
Evaluating the decisions that I have taken, I am glad because none in the photo above ever achieved something prominent in the media field. Everyone ended up absorbed in HR and Immigration and stuff.. I am glad because I don't think I can go any further than all of them collectively. Even the most jovial and pretty girl in class didn't made it to at least be a tv presenter. I am not sure where she is now. They just sunk so deep and I can't see them anymore.
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